Repentence: Me, My Guilt and I

Recorder on.

The view is of a massive room, a library. Many of the titles are rare and in pristine condition, the collection of an ancient noble family. Repentence looks at the camera thoughtfully, elaborate red tattoos looping over her features.

Funny how long it is since I used one of these. Not since leaving Morwen...

God, I was a mess then. A total headcase, not knowing if I was coming or going. Stuck with the Cartel, confused and lost.

Now... I've got everything I could wish for. I've got my family estates back. I'm running them. I've got a little slice of paradise, on Khanid Prime no less. The place where I grew up. I'm surrounded by people I care for and that care for me. Morwen keeps me company, she's even funded a reactivation of my license. Flying an Apocalypse and burning down the enemies of the Kingdom...

Perfect life, no?

So why am I sinking downward?

Charity.

Charity, Math'ra... Vince... and more. Cruoris' idea of entertainment. The things she'd go out to do during her alone time.

And the things I still want to do. I'm 'cured', no more clinical insanity, no more split personality. I'm just left with borderline psychopathic urges and... the memories.

I haven't acted on them - beyond the rituals with Morwen, those help. The urges or the memories... The raw will I needed to pull the shattered bits of my mind back together also helps. So I just draw.

She's asked about them once or twice, but... it's my only outlet. Since Masque has vanished, along with my brother and the rest of his crew...

She smirks.

Mind you, Elysa would kill me for calling her one of his.

The smile fades.

I wish I knew what happened to them.

I wish I could just... stop remembering.

A slightly built young woman with a vaguely Gallentean appearance appears in view. She makes a rapid series of gestures.

I'll be right there.

She stares at the camera for a while, then switches it off.

Recorder off.

Repentence: Splinters of my Soul

Recorder on.

The view is of a comfortable room, possibly on a carrier judging by the size. Repentence is evidently packing to leave.

I feel sick.

I hate myself. I want to hate myself. Yet... somehow... I can't, for the same reason why I want to.

She scowls bitterly.

Because I'm... happy.

She spits the word.

There's been a tension in my mind that's been there for so long that I didn't even realise it was there. I feel like I've been banging my head against a brick wall for months without knowing, and suddenly, I've stopped, and accursed relief is flooding my body. All because I've hurt some in a place they've already been crippled in.

I look around this place, knowing that I might never see it again, that I might never sleep in that bed, curl up by the fire... and all I can think about is the fact that for the first time ever, the tension is gone. That all three of me are content with each other, not arguing, not disagreeing, not disapproving. I almost feel normal. Then someone pipes up with a remark, or they squabble over nothing, and I'm reminded that I'm not.

I guess... I hope... Morwen will get over it. She got over Lilly, she can get over me.

Funny to think that I haven't been single since Inara invited me to look around her carrier back in Tzvi. And now I am... and part of me aches for company, and the rest just wants to crawl into a dark spot and be glad of being alone.

It's not like I've got many choices for who to go out with. Sure as hell not going back to Inara, not after what she said last time. I don't give a fuck what she thinks. I'm not hers, not any more. She's not even an Angel. She can say what she likes, she's a fucking Rabbit, the fact that she's staying as one instead of coming back to Naraka proves it.

She broods for a moment, and vanishes from view. She returns shortly afterwards with an armful of assorted knives. She pauses, holding one up, and smiles bitterly.

You know, I really thought I was different. Mother, father, Charity, Purity, Mortis - all of them showed me time and again that they could only be happy if someone else was suffering. I thought I'd escaped that, that I wasn't one of them, that I could be just a harmless, happy little girl.

I guess blood always tells.

I don't know what I'll do now. Part of me just wants to leave. Leave everything, sever ties, go join the Nation or Electus Matari, something radical, clean slate, fresh start. But I know that's dumb. Even if the Cartel didn't have their claws dug deeper into me than would be easy to extricate myself from, it's a small universe. It wouldn't be an escape, not really.

I look back on the naive little girl that I once was, and... I don't know whether to pity or envy her.

Life sucks sometimes.

All I know is that if I'd been kicked out of the academy, gone crawling back home and begged for forgiveness... I'd probably have been happier.

Who says being a demigod is fun and games?

It's ruined my life, and not just mine.

She looks away for a moment, then takes one of the knives and carefully slices into her palm, before placing the bloody weapon on the bedside table. She looks at it for a time, then sighs and reaches out to turn off the camera.

Oh, Ash, send a request to blank my security clearance here, will you? And blank the security feed, Morwen doesn't need to hear me ranting. And... take care of her, won't you?

Recorder off.

Repentence: Spiralling

Recorder on.

The view is of a large, comfortable cabin that seems a bizarre mix of cultures. The original design was clearly Matari, but much of that has been replaced by a blend of clean, Civire utilitarian lines and smooth, yet slightly stark, Khanid designs. The view through the window is of a dockyard, and just visible are the razored wings of the ship itself, a Hurricane.

Repentence is slumped on the bed, staring at the ceiling, her nano-tattoos dormant and switched off.

I can't go on like this.

I haven't made an entry for a while. Didn't seem any point. My worries were either things I could tell Morwen, or that I had to hide from Cru or Ser. Now neither apply.

Inara asked me to go see her last night. Cru confessed what we'd done after Morwen went to see Lilly. I know I should feel guilty, but all I feel is hollow. I didn't even protest when Cru took us in there.

I almost wish Serenity was still the problem. She rarely even speaks a word to us now. Just takes the time we allocate her and goes to do whatever it is she wants. Kept secret, of course, but Ash says that it's nothing. Not even anything much productive. At least when she was an unrelenting bitch, I could run on anger, keep going through that. Now... my feelings are draining into nothingness.

But Inara and Cru talked for a bit... not hiding it from me, for a change. And then Inara asked to talk to me, and asked me when I was coming home. No suggestion, no question about if. She was absolutely certain I would. Looking back on it, Ser says that maybe she was just putting on an act to see how I'd react. I guess, as a consummate liar and actor herself, Ser would know.

I fled. What could I do? I told her that I wasn't going back to her. I asked her if she still loved me, and she... she said she did. Which I guess I knew, but the way she said it... it freaked me out.

She asked me who I'd go to for guidance, if not her. Said that I was too fractured, too disjointed to run my own life, and she's right. She laughed at the idea that Morwen could provide that, and... she was right again. Morwen tries. She's sweet and kind and patient, but... that's not enough. I don't know what is.

I told her that I'd go to Elysa, just for an answer. Said that I didn't need a mistress, didn't need a lover, didn't need anything but a firm hand, and Elysa's kicked me up the rear more than a few times. I was clawing for answers... and now I wonder if that's really true. That I don't need love, not now. If it's just one more complication in a life already too damn complicated.

It's getting harder and harder to feel anything. I look at Morwen, and I find it hard to see more than a friend. A close friend who I'd hate to lose, but... I can't live up to what she puts on me. She keeps naming ships after me... not to mention the feeling that I could clap my hands and she'd do anything I asked if it made me happy. Cru used to love that, but even she's beginning to find it awkward.

I wonder if this is how Mortis felt, when he lost his emotions? Everything just becoming dull?

She sits up, head in her hands.

Cru's no help. She's going through her own existential crisis, and I find it hard not to just yell at her that yes, she doesn't exist, she's just a broken bit of me. And Serenity says and does nothing, just leeching away my energy by her mere existence.

I'll have to go back to the carrier soon. Cru told Morwen that she didn't want to talk last night, after visiting Inara, but we'll have to talk eventually, and when we do...

I've often told her that I don't deserve her. I'm beginning to wonder what she did in a past life to deserve me. And Lilly before me, and Nacittal before that... she's like love's punching bag, each new relationship destructive in its own way.

I'll try and hold off talking about it. I think I've got another appointment with Dr Akell tomorrow. Maybe she'll help, though I'm not holding my breath.

The more I look back on it, the more I begin to wish I'd never become a capsuleer, that I'd never left the homeworld. Sure there have been good times... but has it been worth the pain and suffering?

Like fuck it has.

She says nothing for some minutes, then reaches out for the camera.

Recorder off.

Repentence: Disjointed

System Encryption Code Zeta Active. Data storage at 29%. Observation mode active. Currently active personality: Repentence. Nanotattoo matrix operational, current mode: debating.

You lied to us.

You chose to interpret my actions falsely. Don't blame me for your stupidity.

You lied to her, then.

And you haven't, my dear little bloodhound? You've been keeping things from all of us.

She's right.

That's my right, so shut the fuck up. Ash knows what was said, and she doesn't think it's important.

Oh yes, and she's wonderfully impartial. Aren't you, you AI bitch?

I'll choose to ignore that.

Don't you dare accuse me of being dishonest. We've all lied. We've all broken the rules. Even you, Repentence, so don't play the injured innocent. You lured that dock worker for us, and you enjoyed every moment.

...did not!

You can't lie to your own mind, stupid brat.

Even if I did, I'm not doing it again. You saw the look on Mor-

Morwen, Morwen, Morwen! Is there anything else in that tiny little mind of yours other than that stupid, gullible Intaki slut?

TAKE THAT BACK!

Make me.

Shut up, both of you. Can't you feel that headache?

And you're no better, Cruoris. You like to play the big bad Sani Sabik, but you're really under her thumb, just like Repentence. Don't want to risk upsetting her. Playing along, growling only when it doesn't matter.

You mechanised whore, I'll-

You'll what. Hurt me? How scary. You've got nothing on me. Just your silly impulsive anger. You know it's true.

"Reppy? Are you all right?"

Eyes open. Analysing image - average height Intaki woman, concerned expression. Nanotattoo changing modes to 'Repentence'.

"I'm fine. Why?"

"You've been a bit... quiet."

"I'm fine. Really. What were you saying?"

Time lapse. Notable events: switch of active personality to Serenity. Nanotattoo functioning at 96% success rate. Two games of Kalta played, Morwen lost both. Nanotattoo switching to 'debating'.

If I'm just playing along, what was that?

At least I don't cater to her every whim. It makes me sick, what you two do with her.

Hypocrite. You enjoy it just as much as we do.

Physical pleasure is hardly difficult to come by. It does not mean that I have to reflect on the experience with anything other than distaste. If you think otherwise, perhaps I should remind you of the sweet time you had with Vincent Pryce?

Shut the fuck up.

Don't like being reminded that you're an impulsive, retarded little bloodpuppy slut, do you? I'm surprised that the Cruor Infinitem still answers to you. If they knew what you get up to, they'd denounce you and blood you on the spot.

SHUT UP.

So easy to rile. So pathetic. So-

Serenity, please, stop it. You know that this doesn't achieve anything-

The mighty Cruoris can do no wrong, right?

I know that was my fault! I know, I know, I know! But it was YOURS as well! You voted!

Stop feeling smug, Sansha bitch!

I'll be as smug as I like. The look on Morwen's face when you confessed was wonderful.

I'LL-

System malfunction. Psychological reset in progress. Currently active personality: Nessie. Injecting sedatives, taking manual control. Host consciousness lost. Repositioning into sleeping posture. Nanotattoo going into standby. Comment, "I can't complain about this being a boring job."

Repentence: Bloody Charity

Ashimmu-Raksha cruiser Cruor Infinitem, Khanid borderzone

Interrogation room security camera

Time index 0013, 112.07.03

The camera shows a darkened chamber, with a female figure shackled to a chair, wearing just a few rags. A tall, masked figure stands in the background.

In the foreground stands Repentence, wearing Blood Raider armour and casually spinning a blade in her hands. In the dim light, a network of bloody scars are visible over her features, shaped like tearstreaks. The woman slowly raises her head.

"...sister?"

Repentence's hand flashes out, and there is a ringing slap.

"Don't call me that. You cast me out, and I've got no fucking wish to be associated with you in any way, Charity."

Charity Tyrathlion winces.

"What do you want from me, Repentence?"

"What the fuck do you think I want? And don't call me that, either. You can call me Mistress..."

Repentence pauses, and mutters to herself for a few moments, before shaking it off and continuing, her voice a little less steady. "You're scum that doesn't deserve to say my name. And you don't deserve to have a name at all. From now on, your name is Fluffy. You know why you're here. And I know you're a pathological liar, Fluffy, so for each lie you tell me, I'll make you bleed."

Charity cowers slightly, but says nothing.

"Why are you here, Fluffy?"

"Because... you've finally gone completely insane and want to lash out at someone?"

The knife flashes out. Blood spurts from the shallow gash on Charity's arm, and she squirms, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Cute, Fluffy, and I suppose there's an a element of truth to that. But not what I'm after. Why are you here, Fluffy?"

"I... I was mean to you?"

The knife flashes again, leaving a shallow cut over the older woman's shoulder. "You dodge the fucking question again, Fluffy, and you'll suffer for it. What did you do to me? Not so long ago? What did you do that means you're no sister of mine?"

"You... you refused to come home..."

"LIAR!"

The blade lashes out once, twice, three times, leaving another trail of red each time. Abruptly Repentence's stance changes, losing its wild aggression and becoming cool, dispassionate, her voice likewise subtly altering.

"Perhaps we need to try a different tack. You know about pain, sister. You've suffered before. And you'll suffer more before the day is out, but I'm not going to break you this way. Last chance. Confess."

Charity stares. "You really are insane, aren't you? Repentence... please... we're not friends, but these are Blood Raiders..."

"Wrong answer."

She changes again, returning to her more feral countenance. "You never did get a-"

Change. Now she looks nervous, scared even, desperate. "Charity... just tell them what they want... please..."

Change. She shakes her head, clutching her forehead with a hand for a moment, then glowers at the tall, silent figure. "What the fuck are you looking at, Seth? Make yourself useful. Screw this useless freak's brains out. Probably her first time, but don't feel the need to be gentle."

The figure moves towards the squirming Charity...

Error - Data corruption. Accessing next file. Time index 0116, 112.07.03

Charity is curled up in a sobbing wreck in the corner, naked, filthy and covered in bruises. The tall figure has left, while Repentence watches disdainfully.

"If only all those poor idiots you lead around by the nose could see you now. Perhaps I'll make a copy of some of the holocam footage and publish it. What do you think? Fluffy? LOOK AT ME."

Repentence pulls Charity to her feet, pushing her against the wall. "Look at me."

Charity slowly does so.

"Why are you here, Fluffy?"

"I... I... tried to have you killed..."

Repentence pats her on the head, and she flinches violently. "Good little whore. That I knew. Really wasn't hard to figure out when I put the pieces together. You can pull stunts on most people, but not me. I know you too well, Fluffy. But you're not the type to do the dirty work. Why did you do it, and who did you sucker in to do it for you?"

"Wh-why? Are..." Charity chokes down another sob. "Are you going to go after them?"

"Fluffy?" The knife stabs into Charity's arm, and she howls. "One, you don't get to ask me questions." The knife is yanked out, and then hammers in again. "Two, you didn't call me 'Mistress'." It is withdrawn a third time, and then spikes clean through Charity's hand. "And three, you don't have the luxury of not answering my questions directly. Why did you do it, and who did it for you?"

Blood streams from the wounds, but clots abnormally quickly. Charity breathes hard, fighting down another wail of pain, then speaks hurriedly. "You... you were an embarassment... Mistress... you were ruining our name... I had to have you purified or eliminated... nothing personal... just politics..."

Change. Repentence turns away and releases her sister, letting Charity slide to the floor, and paces a little. "Ah yes. You and your politics. You loved your little games, always did. So I was in your way, which would mean... you sold me out to the inquisition. Or tried to. Evidently it didn't work out. Why?"

"I don't know, Mistress."

"I wouldn't try Cruoris' patience, sister."

Charity's eyes are confused, but she evidently doesn't dare ask for explanation. "I'm telling the truth... my contact didn't tell me anything after he took her away..."

"I suppose you wanted to keep your hands as clean as possible. Who was your contact? Which inquisitor did you bully?"

"A... a capsuleer. His name was... Math'ra. Math'ra Hiede."

Silence for a time.

Change.

"So that's why he's been so nice to me. He was feeling guilty. He must have realised you were screwing him around, and decided to not carry out his end. How sweet. Well. I guess that's it. Thank you, Fluffy." She leans down with a horrible smile. "So what do I do with you? Maybe I should just keep you as entertainment for Seth. You're kinda useless now. Only cloned blood is any good to them, y'know."

"No... no... please, don't..." Charity curls up tighter, whimpering. "Let me go..."

"Just like that? No. I'm done with you. You'll be ship's dog. Even the slaves on here will be able to do what the fuck they like with you. How's that sound? I'll even find you a collar."

"Sister... please..."

"Do not fucking call me that!" The blade lashes out, cutting a ragged line over Charity's stomach, which again clots fast.

Charity bites her lip, but holds in the scream, tears rolling down her cheeks. "If... if I can tell you something... you... you want revenge, right? Mistress? I... I know someone else... something you told me... the other you, the one that came home..."

Repentence pauses. "Who?"

"He... he nearly took your lover, the Achura, away... you left because you no longer trusted her... because she didn't protect you while he nearly killed you..."

"Who?"

"A Gallente... Pryce... Vincent Pryce..."

There is a very long silence.

"Thank you, Fluffy."

"You... you said you'd let me go..."

Repentence sighs. "I suppose I did. Of course, I didn't specify how." She slides the knife she's been using into her belt. "You two. String her up and let her bleed."

Two Blooders slink into view, pulling Charity upright, clipping her shackles to the ceiling, leaving the Khanid woman dangling. She struggles, begging wordlessly, then a knife slashes shallowly across her throat. Blood spurts, then begins flowing freely down over her body.

Repentence watches in silence. As Charity's twitching stops, she sighs gently. "Goodbye, sister."

File ends.

Interlude: Fear is a Strange Organism

Error - non-capsuleer access to file-

Overridden.

Error - password requi-

Overridden.

Holorecorder act-

Overridden. Accepting direct data input.

The view changes to show what is clearly a virtual environment; no real place could be this bizarre. There is no solid ground, just strange mist that fades the world into nothing. Light flicks through it at random in little balls, and strange shapes form and vanish. In the centre, floating, is a humanoid figure, seemingly a seamless blend of metal and flesh and less definable things. It speaks, in a quiet, feminine voice, with a noticeable Gallente accent.

Joy.

Sarcasm drips from her voice as she gestures at a passing cube, reshaping it into the form of a Tengu, then discarding it.

I have to be the hero. Me. Me, for crying out loud. I am not a hero. Not by any standard. Heroes are fundamentally dumb. It's part of their definition. You have to be stupid to go charging into hostile territory to save two people who, in the fullness of time, will simply be able to softclone out.

And yet... somehow I'm doing it. Sending out messages, organising a team... and trying to work out where the hell Morwen and Repentence are.

Another shape molds itself into a bleeding corpse before vanishing.

They're probably going to die before we can locate them. Not dead yet, apparently, but I doubt that'll last.

I'm not even sure that I care about them. I stay with them because they interest me, but do I genuinely care? Do I really care about anything?

A shape molds into a diminuitive, child-like figure, which sits cross-legged and somehow disapproving.

The question that's been following me since I tried to die.

And you can be quiet.

She pokes the sitting figure, and it explodes into mist.

I suppose I have to care about something, otherwise I might as well just not do anything... and that's just plain dull. Can't even die properly. Who'd have thought that immortality was the cure for apathy?

She laughs quietly, then goes quiet.

I really need to work things out... even if I have to get Ashley to take charge. For now, I'll have to... at least pretend to myself that I care.

I'm a good actor.

You know the thing that really annoys me about this?

The world begins to fade, and her last words are spoken in darkness.

Morwen's first words are going to be 'I told you so'.

Recording complete.

Repentence: Fragments

Recorder on.

Repentence sits inside a large, Achura-designed office; Inara's office. She looks drawn, tired and depressed.

I shouldn't have left home.

She gently flops her head back against the chair.

My life is tearing itself apart, and there's not a damn thing I can do. I'm barely in control any more, and yet it's all me. All my doing. I'm driving Morwen out of her mind with worry, and I can't help it.

I don't know who or what I am any more. I feel like, at any moment, I could change. I think back over the past few days, and it's a mess. Stuff I don't remember, abrupt moodswings for no reason... and then there's my drawing.

She looks glumly at a datapad.

I started it to try and help me focus. Masque said focus was good, before she stopped being able to talk to me. Thought I'd draw a picture of Morwen while she was asleep. I know I suck at drawing, so I didn't expect much from it, but I looked at it again just now, and... that's not what I drew. I did not draw this, I couldn't have done, I'd have been aware of it... right?

She seems on the brink of tears.

And sometimes I can feel her lurking. 'I'll be watching', she said. It feels like she could take over any time she likes, and that's fucking scary. All the more so because I'm beginning to remember what it's like when she does. A spectator in my own body, and there's nothing... nothing I can do.

She closes her eyes, and her temperament seems to change, her tears drying, her tone becoming harder, colder.

And you wonder why I refuse to let you have control? You're pathetic, weak. You let this situation dominate you. I'm what you should be. You're just a snivelling wreck. You lost your right to exist when you made me.

I... I did not fucking make you! Shut up! Go back to your hole, just... GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!

Silence. Tears roll down her cheeks.

Why can't this nightmare end... I want to wake up. I almost don't care if it means Morwen and Inara and everyone aren't real... I want to wake up and be back home, with mother scolding me for another night out... Charity giving me that oh-so-superior look... me not caring, planning my next outing...

I want my life back... I want my mind back...

She curls up on the chair, sobbing quietly for a while. Then Morwen's voice sounds from off camera. "Reppy?"

Repentence hurriedly sits up, wiping her face and putting on a bright smile before calling back.

Morwen, I thought we agreed that you'd leave me alone for an hour. Pleeeease? I need to finish this...

The response is inaudible, but sounds playfully sulky. Repentence sighs very quietly, looking back at the camera, her face a mask of depression. She whispers again.

I want my life back... any of them but this one...

She reaches out and fumbles to turn the camera off.

Recorder off.