Repentence: Spiralling

Recorder on.

The view is of a large, comfortable cabin that seems a bizarre mix of cultures. The original design was clearly Matari, but much of that has been replaced by a blend of clean, Civire utilitarian lines and smooth, yet slightly stark, Khanid designs. The view through the window is of a dockyard, and just visible are the razored wings of the ship itself, a Hurricane.

Repentence is slumped on the bed, staring at the ceiling, her nano-tattoos dormant and switched off.

I can't go on like this.

I haven't made an entry for a while. Didn't seem any point. My worries were either things I could tell Morwen, or that I had to hide from Cru or Ser. Now neither apply.

Inara asked me to go see her last night. Cru confessed what we'd done after Morwen went to see Lilly. I know I should feel guilty, but all I feel is hollow. I didn't even protest when Cru took us in there.

I almost wish Serenity was still the problem. She rarely even speaks a word to us now. Just takes the time we allocate her and goes to do whatever it is she wants. Kept secret, of course, but Ash says that it's nothing. Not even anything much productive. At least when she was an unrelenting bitch, I could run on anger, keep going through that. Now... my feelings are draining into nothingness.

But Inara and Cru talked for a bit... not hiding it from me, for a change. And then Inara asked to talk to me, and asked me when I was coming home. No suggestion, no question about if. She was absolutely certain I would. Looking back on it, Ser says that maybe she was just putting on an act to see how I'd react. I guess, as a consummate liar and actor herself, Ser would know.

I fled. What could I do? I told her that I wasn't going back to her. I asked her if she still loved me, and she... she said she did. Which I guess I knew, but the way she said it... it freaked me out.

She asked me who I'd go to for guidance, if not her. Said that I was too fractured, too disjointed to run my own life, and she's right. She laughed at the idea that Morwen could provide that, and... she was right again. Morwen tries. She's sweet and kind and patient, but... that's not enough. I don't know what is.

I told her that I'd go to Elysa, just for an answer. Said that I didn't need a mistress, didn't need a lover, didn't need anything but a firm hand, and Elysa's kicked me up the rear more than a few times. I was clawing for answers... and now I wonder if that's really true. That I don't need love, not now. If it's just one more complication in a life already too damn complicated.

It's getting harder and harder to feel anything. I look at Morwen, and I find it hard to see more than a friend. A close friend who I'd hate to lose, but... I can't live up to what she puts on me. She keeps naming ships after me... not to mention the feeling that I could clap my hands and she'd do anything I asked if it made me happy. Cru used to love that, but even she's beginning to find it awkward.

I wonder if this is how Mortis felt, when he lost his emotions? Everything just becoming dull?

She sits up, head in her hands.

Cru's no help. She's going through her own existential crisis, and I find it hard not to just yell at her that yes, she doesn't exist, she's just a broken bit of me. And Serenity says and does nothing, just leeching away my energy by her mere existence.

I'll have to go back to the carrier soon. Cru told Morwen that she didn't want to talk last night, after visiting Inara, but we'll have to talk eventually, and when we do...

I've often told her that I don't deserve her. I'm beginning to wonder what she did in a past life to deserve me. And Lilly before me, and Nacittal before that... she's like love's punching bag, each new relationship destructive in its own way.

I'll try and hold off talking about it. I think I've got another appointment with Dr Akell tomorrow. Maybe she'll help, though I'm not holding my breath.

The more I look back on it, the more I begin to wish I'd never become a capsuleer, that I'd never left the homeworld. Sure there have been good times... but has it been worth the pain and suffering?

Like fuck it has.

She says nothing for some minutes, then reaches out for the camera.

Recorder off.