Repentence: Fragments

Recorder on.

Repentence sits inside a large, Achura-designed office; Inara's office. She looks drawn, tired and depressed.

I shouldn't have left home.

She gently flops her head back against the chair.

My life is tearing itself apart, and there's not a damn thing I can do. I'm barely in control any more, and yet it's all me. All my doing. I'm driving Morwen out of her mind with worry, and I can't help it.

I don't know who or what I am any more. I feel like, at any moment, I could change. I think back over the past few days, and it's a mess. Stuff I don't remember, abrupt moodswings for no reason... and then there's my drawing.

She looks glumly at a datapad.

I started it to try and help me focus. Masque said focus was good, before she stopped being able to talk to me. Thought I'd draw a picture of Morwen while she was asleep. I know I suck at drawing, so I didn't expect much from it, but I looked at it again just now, and... that's not what I drew. I did not draw this, I couldn't have done, I'd have been aware of it... right?

She seems on the brink of tears.

And sometimes I can feel her lurking. 'I'll be watching', she said. It feels like she could take over any time she likes, and that's fucking scary. All the more so because I'm beginning to remember what it's like when she does. A spectator in my own body, and there's nothing... nothing I can do.

She closes her eyes, and her temperament seems to change, her tears drying, her tone becoming harder, colder.

And you wonder why I refuse to let you have control? You're pathetic, weak. You let this situation dominate you. I'm what you should be. You're just a snivelling wreck. You lost your right to exist when you made me.

I... I did not fucking make you! Shut up! Go back to your hole, just... GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!

Silence. Tears roll down her cheeks.

Why can't this nightmare end... I want to wake up. I almost don't care if it means Morwen and Inara and everyone aren't real... I want to wake up and be back home, with mother scolding me for another night out... Charity giving me that oh-so-superior look... me not caring, planning my next outing...

I want my life back... I want my mind back...

She curls up on the chair, sobbing quietly for a while. Then Morwen's voice sounds from off camera. "Reppy?"

Repentence hurriedly sits up, wiping her face and putting on a bright smile before calling back.

Morwen, I thought we agreed that you'd leave me alone for an hour. Pleeeease? I need to finish this...

The response is inaudible, but sounds playfully sulky. Repentence sighs very quietly, looking back at the camera, her face a mask of depression. She whispers again.

I want my life back... any of them but this one...

She reaches out and fumbles to turn the camera off.

Recorder off.