Repentence: Splinters of my Soul

Recorder on.

The view is of a comfortable room, possibly on a carrier judging by the size. Repentence is evidently packing to leave.

I feel sick.

I hate myself. I want to hate myself. Yet... somehow... I can't, for the same reason why I want to.

She scowls bitterly.

Because I'm... happy.

She spits the word.

There's been a tension in my mind that's been there for so long that I didn't even realise it was there. I feel like I've been banging my head against a brick wall for months without knowing, and suddenly, I've stopped, and accursed relief is flooding my body. All because I've hurt some in a place they've already been crippled in.

I look around this place, knowing that I might never see it again, that I might never sleep in that bed, curl up by the fire... and all I can think about is the fact that for the first time ever, the tension is gone. That all three of me are content with each other, not arguing, not disagreeing, not disapproving. I almost feel normal. Then someone pipes up with a remark, or they squabble over nothing, and I'm reminded that I'm not.

I guess... I hope... Morwen will get over it. She got over Lilly, she can get over me.

Funny to think that I haven't been single since Inara invited me to look around her carrier back in Tzvi. And now I am... and part of me aches for company, and the rest just wants to crawl into a dark spot and be glad of being alone.

It's not like I've got many choices for who to go out with. Sure as hell not going back to Inara, not after what she said last time. I don't give a fuck what she thinks. I'm not hers, not any more. She's not even an Angel. She can say what she likes, she's a fucking Rabbit, the fact that she's staying as one instead of coming back to Naraka proves it.

She broods for a moment, and vanishes from view. She returns shortly afterwards with an armful of assorted knives. She pauses, holding one up, and smiles bitterly.

You know, I really thought I was different. Mother, father, Charity, Purity, Mortis - all of them showed me time and again that they could only be happy if someone else was suffering. I thought I'd escaped that, that I wasn't one of them, that I could be just a harmless, happy little girl.

I guess blood always tells.

I don't know what I'll do now. Part of me just wants to leave. Leave everything, sever ties, go join the Nation or Electus Matari, something radical, clean slate, fresh start. But I know that's dumb. Even if the Cartel didn't have their claws dug deeper into me than would be easy to extricate myself from, it's a small universe. It wouldn't be an escape, not really.

I look back on the naive little girl that I once was, and... I don't know whether to pity or envy her.

Life sucks sometimes.

All I know is that if I'd been kicked out of the academy, gone crawling back home and begged for forgiveness... I'd probably have been happier.

Who says being a demigod is fun and games?

It's ruined my life, and not just mine.

She looks away for a moment, then takes one of the knives and carefully slices into her palm, before placing the bloody weapon on the bedside table. She looks at it for a time, then sighs and reaches out to turn off the camera.

Oh, Ash, send a request to blank my security clearance here, will you? And blank the security feed, Morwen doesn't need to hear me ranting. And... take care of her, won't you?

Recorder off.